M’sian Paediatrician Explains Why You Shouldn’t Force Kids to ‘Salam’ or Hug Relatives During Hari Raya

A Malaysian doctor recently took to Threads to share a poignant moment from last year’s Hari Raya Aidilfitri celebration that has stayed with her.

In her post, paediatrician Dr Nisa Khalil recalled observing a relative’s four-year-old daughter refusing all forms of physical contact, from shaking hands to hugging relatives.

For illustration purposes only

Despite the child clearly feeling overwhelmed, her reaction was reportedly met with criticism, with one onlooker labelling her behaviour as “too spoilt.”

Challenging the “spoilt” narrative

In response to the incident, Dr Nisa shared her perspective, noting that when such situations arise, parents are often unfairly blamed for “failing to teach their children manners.”

“This happens in so many Malaysian homes every Raya. ‘Greet Grandpa first.’ ‘Hug Grandma.’ ‘Kiss their hands.’ And when the child suddenly refuses, it is the mother who is blamed. ‘You didn’t teach them manners.’ ‘The child is too spoilt,'” she wrote.

For illustration purposes only

As a medical professional, she gently challenged this mindset, reminding her audience that a child’s refusal is often a natural application of the very boundaries they have been taught.

“A child who doesn’t want to hug or kiss someone is NOT being disrespectful. They are doing exactly what we should be teaching them: that their body belongs to them. No one, not even family, has the right to access it without their consent.”

“Respect can be shown even without physical contact”

While Dr Nisa acknowledged that showing respect toward elders is a vital value, she argued that there are many ways to express it without forcing physical contact.

“A greeting can be a wave. Respect can be shown with eye contact and a smile. Good manners do not have to mean forced physical touch,” she explained.

She further noted that research suggests children who are pressured to comply with physical affection, regardless of their comfort level, may struggle to set boundaries in other, more vulnerable situations later in life.

“We are not just talking about Raya. We are talking about laying the foundation for how children understand boundaries for the rest of their lives.”

Dr Nisa also suggested a few better ways to respond in situations like this:

“‘They’re a bit shy, but they know how to show respect.’ Smile and move on. You don’t owe anyone a performance from your child.”

What are your thoughts on this? Let us know in the comments!

Also read: Malaysian Doctor Warns Against Harmful Durian Combinations After Patient Experiences Intoxication