“Five years ago, I booked the private members’ area at the club for my birthday.”

More often than not, the victims are blamed for rape and not the assailant. Somehow, the victim’s clothes, actions, and words were always ‘asking for it’.

This is the story of a Singaporean woman’s rape and how she turned to self-prostitution to move on from the nightmares.

In a submission to Her World Plus, the lady wrote,

“Five years ago, I booked the private members’ area at Zouk for my 26th birthday and invited my close friends, cousins and their partners for the celebration.”

“We were having so much fun dancing and drinking that my cousin Caroline’s* boyfriend, Philip*, suggested we continue the bash at his sister’s house in Thomson.”

“He said his brother-in-law, Gabriel*, who was also at the club, would host the after-party. While I didn’t really know Gabriel, I had seen him around on numerous occasions.”

“It was disconcerting when he hit on me throughout the night. As the night wore on, I got increasingly woozy, so Caroline suggested that I rest in Philip’s room. It was around 5am.”

By that time they were already in Gabriel’s home for the after-party.

“Stepping inside, I noticed Philip passed out on the floor. I soon dozed off but was rudely awakened by the rattling of the bathroom door. Before I knew it, he was on top of me. It was Gabriel.”

Gabriel continuously said,

“This is what you came for, right?”

source: the odyssey online

“My grogginess turned into panic when I realised what he was doing. Before I could react, he was pulling up my dress and tugging at my underwear. I asked him to stop and said I didn’t want this.”

“When I tried to scream, he pressed his hand firmly over my mouth to muffle my cries. And there was no way I could move with his body weight pressing down on my arms and chest.”

“Gabriel was already trying to penetrate me. He had some trouble initially, and that’s when he started using his fingers, before proceeding to rape me hard and fast like a maniac.”

Gabriel also had a lot of nasty words to say, such as,

“You little sl*t, you c*nt, I’m gonna f*ck you till you want some more, you b*tch.”

“Then, as abruptly as it had started, the ordeal was over. When he was done, Gabriel unceremoniously got off me and left the room.”

“And just like that, he stole my virginity.”

The poor girl ran out and went home. Once she arrived home, she called up Caroline and told her everything. The two girls went to the clinic and found that she thankfully wasn’t pregnant.

“The logical thing to do would have been to make a police report, but I wasn’t thinking straight at that point.”

The rape victim even had the heart to think of how Gabriel’s wife and family would go through if she had reported the case to the police and went to trial.

But life just wasn’t the same anymore.

“Even though I tried to go on with life as usual, I felt numb and disconnected from who I was as a person.”

“And as twisted as it sounds, I turned to sex work in order to downplay the significance of sex. I figured that if someone wanted to sleep with me, I might as well get them to pay for it.”

“Every weekend, I’d be there, standing around in the streets and waiting to be picked up by men. Some nights, I’d down six glasses of hard liquor just to keep my memory foggy while giving myself Dutch courage.”

“This went on for three months. With the money I made, I bought myself branded bags, which helped me feel less depressed and eased the self-loathing.”

However, her sudden change was soon noticed.

“My parents picked up on my unusual behaviour – I was staying out late and had stopped going to church. When my mum finally sat me down for a talk, I broke down and told her what had happened.”

“Seeing how broken and emotionally fragile I was, she suggested I seek professional help. I was diagnosed with chronic depression as well as post-traumatic stress disorder with anxiety.”

“The therapy and counseling sessions have helped me realise that I was a victim and that there was nothing I could’ve done to defend myself in the situation.”

“It took me three years to come to terms with what happened. I have now accepted that I was a rape victim and am working to regain my trust in men so I can have a healthier outlook on relationships.”

“I’ve been seeing someone for more than a year now and he’s aware, and accepting, of my past.”

“For years, I blamed myself, thinking I had issued Gabriel an open invitation to my body by going to his home. Now I know that rape is never the fault of the victim.”

“My advice to women who have been sexually assaulted: Speak up and report it to the authorities, for your sake and that of other women.”

Rape is never the fault of the victim. If you have ever been raped or feel suicidal, please seek help.

You can always contact the Women’s Aid Organization, All Women’s Action Society, or even the Befrienders when you’re feeling down.

*The names have been changed*